SPEAK UP SONNY

It all started when I went to lunch with the assistant sports editor at the paper a couple of weeks back. She’s only 7 years younger than I and we are not just colleagues, but friends. She brought her newborn daughter with us to drool and look at the ceiling fans while we ate.

The waiter came over and made cooing sounds to the baby, and then looked at me.

“Are you the grandmother?” he asked.

I could feel myself recoil, oh so slowly, like my body could only begin to fathom what my brain was processing.

I’m only 36 you see … almost 37. I also think I’m a pretty “happenin’” 36, which probably is a tell-tale sign since no one who is really “happenin’” uses the word “happenin’”

But a GRANDMOTHER? What the fuck? Did I look like an old hag, old enough to have a 29 year old daughter? I know my boobs are sagging, but I do not yet have to move them to put my shoes on. Did I somehow smell old – like a mixture of rotting flesh and urine soaked Depends?

Then I started to feel weird recently. I was losing energy, and (Warning to male readers: I am about to mention “feminine” things, so if you are squeamish or straight, you may want to stop reading) had weird periods that didn’t seem to stop. I called my new doctor, who listened to my symptoms and asked me how old I am. When he heard my response, he used the phrase that I have grown to despise and hate even more than my husband’s ex-wife: “A woman your age ….” The rest of the phrase included “is bound to go through some changes in their cycle” but I only heard “blah blah blah” cause I could only focus on “a woman your age.”

I started obsessing about that phrase, wondering if “a woman my age” should start buying stock in wrinkle cream, take a knitting class, and prepare for death. Perhaps a “woman my age” shouldn’t be thinking about such things, however, since dementia was undoubtedly just around the corner.

I then started assessing my life and realized that although I thought I was still “happenin’,” I was definitely happening a lot less than I used to. For example, it used to be that my husband and I had no qualms about having late night sex. It seems though somewhere along the line I began to put a higher priority on sleep. Now, if nookie doesn’t happen before 11, it doesn’t happen. We also tend to be a lot more careful now in an effort to avoid a sex-related injury we may not be able to recover from.

I also find myself taking inventory of my body a lot more often. When you are 22, you don’t find yourself having to check your aches, pains, creeks and groans. Now, I find myself doing a mental check list each day: “Knees … sore but not as sore as yesterday; back … just don’t twist to the right; stomach … still mushy, and don’t eat anything spicey or you’ll pay (as others around you will).” I also find myself saying words like “oy” and “argh” a lot more often. The sad part is they don’t even necessary accompany movement.

I might be exaggerating. After all, “a woman my age” likes to embellish stories for effect. All I know is that it seems like overnight I’ve reached a stage in my life I thought I had at least five more years to deny.

Comments

[AJ]

Age is so relative. When you're in your early 20s, 36 sounds ancient.

At 33, 36 sounds...

...oh my god! I've done NOTHING with my life!

Ahhhhhhh!!!!

*click*

[maringuy]

I can tell you where to find a great deal on plastic sofa covers, and those little candy dishes you'll need for each room of the house. And you should probably brush up on your "when I was a kid" stories, featuring two-way uphill walking recollections, dinosaur references and before-the-wheel mentions.

[Neil]

Are you sure "grandmother" is not some hip-hop term the young ones use nowadays for "hot babe" -- sort of like "my bitch."

[Megan]

I missed you Cookie! The waiter at the restaurant is just an idiot. He was probably trying to get a good tip and it backfired on him. He apparently has not yet learned that when it comes to a woman's age, you always guess low.

Neil - your post made me laugh. Anytime you can use the term "my bitch" and not have women angry with you is a great accomplishment!

[Igmar Fillipé]

37ish is the new 17. Here's a tip. Instead of "happenin" start describing everything as "hot." That's what all the kids are doing nowadays. Unfortunately, I don't think it would have helped you with that waiter.

Waiter: I'm sorry ma'am. Would you like me to bring you out some ice for that matzah ball soup?
You: Oy.

[Rabbit]

You're only as old as other people make you feel.

Dammit, that means I'm sixteen.

[Shantyl]

See, I've started referring to things in terms of decades, which is always followed by a pregnant pause, before I can continue with the story cause, when did that happen?

Also, I hate being referred to as "kiddo" more than I do "ma'am",is that odd?

[IslandGirl]

Don't worry CB - at least you don't have Sharon hunting you down in cubeland crying out... missy!...missy! argh!