THE HONEYMOON IS OVER

A friend of mine recently moved in with her serious boyfriend. They are doing great, except for the farting and the boogers, she said.

When I first moved in with my now-husband, I had similar experiences as she's having now. Women who don't grow up with brothers, or who choose to live their life in the civilized world are often stunned into silence at men's love of disgusting bodily functions.

My husband, at the mature age of 43, still thinks farting is the funniest thing in the universe. After he lets one out, he can't help but grin gleefully at himself and the foul odor his body has produced. It is like a sense of pride. "*I* made the cat's fur blow off with my fart," that grin seems to say. "*I* destroyed all the oxygen in the room with my ass alone."

When his son is here, the farts multiply by a factor of 10. It is like some sort of competition to see who can stink up the house the most. My step-son also uses farting as a defense mechanism. If you wrestle with him and he is losing, he farts so foul that you can't help but run into another room, eyes blurry with tears, lungs gasping for air.

You can tell when a man has become used to you and has stopped trying to impress when he has no problem lifting up his ass cheek in an enclosed vehicle and letting one rip. This, my husband says, is a sign he loves me, because he can be himself and is comfortable with me. This, I say, sucks all my sexual drive out of my body and makes me want to puke on the floor mats as he locks the windows and laughs hysterically as I turn green.

It isn't that women don't fart. I have been known to peel paint off the walls. It is just that we don't think it is a "social" function that garners great conversation and wails of laughter. Whenever you get a group of guys in a room, there is no doubt that somewhere along the line they will compare farts and/or fart stories. When you get a group of women together, that just doesn't happen.

Women also have one kind of fart, while guys classify their farts. There is the broccoli fart, the beer fart, the Mexican food fart. There's the silent killer, the walking fart, the "oh my god I shit myself" fart. And the list goes on. Men also rate their farts for things like resonance, timbre, butt flappage and the time it takes to clear out a room. Women don't even understand this rating system.

Then there are boogers. At least boogers, while fun to say, are a more quiet vice for men. They may not laugh at them, but they also don't understand what the big deal is. It's snot, rolled up in a vile, slimy, green and yellow ball that came from an orifice. It was inside that orifice for a reason, I say ... so as not to be shared. Yet guys have no problem showing it to you or rubbing it on the driver's seat of the car or the side or a desk as if to say "I'm saving this for later." One ex-boyfriend argued with me that it was bio-degradable, so I shouldn't worry about it. But when my hand slips off of one as I grab the hand railing, I don't think about its place in the environment. I think about how I want to pour boiling water over my hands after I kill him.

I guess what they say about women being from Mars and men being from Venus is true. If so though, I'll stick to Mars. At least I can breathe fresh air and I don't get any boogers on me.

******For more important information on farts, visit this site, Facts on Farts.******

Comments

[Midwest]

Oh Cookiebitch, how can you go down on your husband after he's been blowing farts from that region all evening? The thought makes me want to hurl.

As for boogers, that's a deal-breaker, as noted in http://kissnblog.blogspot.com/2005/09/snot-okay.html

I'm going to go to bed tonight very content to be single.

:) MW
www.kissnblog.com

[Leesa]

Ahh..too funny. My Husband isn't like that now, but I sure have dated guys like this.
Great post:)

[Mike Barash]

I think the true quality of a man's farts can be measured in the expression on the dog's face after he lets one go. Is it confused? Is it upset? Scared? Disgusted? Can it stay in the room (or under the covers)? Does it walk out of the room with its tail between its legs? Sprint out of the room like it's reacting to gunfire? Remain stationary for a moment and then shake itself fiercely? Or bide its time and eat its own poo before exacting sweet revenge...

[Cookiebitch]

Mike ... hilarious dude. Unfortunately we don't have dogs to entertain us. I have noticed our cats taking refuse several times though after sitting next to my husband, at which time I leave the room before it wafts. Does PETA have a division for such abuse, I wonder?

Midwest and Leesa - to clarify, my husband does not do the booger thing. My friend's new live-in boyfriend does though, although to my knowledge, he doesn't dine on them. After reading Midwest's blog post about EATING boogers, I totally agree that that should be a deal breaker, and would advise all friends to run - and run fast, when they discover their man considers snot as a food group. One word ... EWWWWW.

[Rabbit]

My guy must not really love me. If he lets one go in my presence, he says, "Excuse me."

[Jewels]

I never met a man that was so proud of his farts until I met my husband. From the first date, he has never held back. I have taken to ignoring him when he looks at me for a reaction. :-)

[Sandra]

I once had a boyfriend who delighted in pinning me down and farting away, particularly when he'd just consumed something bean-related. Note that the boyfriend part of that sentence is in the past tense...

[Sandra]

addendum: I don't object to a bit of gas - we all have it...but the dutch oven thing is just too much!

[Maringuy]

The Dutch Oven (proper capitalization please) is a highly effective tactic when deployed properly...

[Groonk]

I could barely read this.

I could barely read this because my eyes were tearing up from the sidesplitting laughter which induced several pressure farts and caused even more laughter.

I share because I love.

In college I knew a guy who was watching TV at the girl's apartment across the hall. The ladies told me that he lifted up a cheek to fart but faster than you can say Mr Hanky, he shat all over their couch. And these types of couches had unflippable cushions.

True story.

Again. Sharing and loving.

[Helena]

*tears of laughter*

This is so good. I've known lots of dudes who will tell you, without hesitations, that if a girl ever farted in front of them she'd be RIGHT out. But they expect HER to put up with their abundance of...hot air.

Love having my place to myself. One time I lied to a dude that I had brunch plans, to get him out of my place on Sunday morning because I was feeling gassy. And I wanted the bed to myself. It worked.

[Peter]

I'm happy to see the acknowledgement that women fart, too.
And let's not get started on queefing ...

[Kristi]

I thought I was one of only a few women who are subject to this incredible torture. My husband revels in it, going to disgusting extremes as to actually fan the stench up to his own nose so he can partake of its offensive aroma.

I am actively pursuing a divorce over this, because I can not stand it anymore. I've had enough. It's gotten so bad that I no longer find him attractive, and can't even muster up the smallest amount of intimacy because I know he'll leave me gasping for breath, and not because he's so passionate. The man obviously has no respect for me, going to difficult lengths to share his obnoxious ass gas with me. I understand that flatulance is a part of life for everyone, but this isn't just a fart here or there. It's full on. He exerts a lot of energy expelling them. It's almost like a hobby for him. And he really does enjoy it, he tells me. He loves the smell of it, the way it feels, the sounds of it.........
I've tried ignoring it, asking him politely to refrain or remove himself from the room when doing it, getting angry, getting angry with violence, begging while crying..........nothing works.

So I'm ending our marriage over it. Because it's that bad.

[Now THAT is funny!]

Getting a divorce over farting is TOO funny! My GF always gets upset because I enjoy her getting a whiff of my turd-cutters bounty, but it's all in the name of fun!

[Joshua]

I never want to get to a point in life where a good fart doesn't make me laugh. I want to be 85 years old, let out a dusty fart, and let what oxygen is left in my body out in a guffaw, then die happy.

[Kristi]

Well, 'Now THAT is funny', it might be TOO funny to you, but for me it's a nightmare that never ends and you really have no idea what I go through. It's gone well and truly beyond ALL human reasoning. The entire house just REEKS all the time, and every person that walks through the door of our house immediately wrinkles up their nose and asks if the septic is backed up. This happens even when the man isn't home, because he does it so much and so often that now the smell is just a permanent part of the house.
I go through about 6 bottles of Fabreeze a month for just my clothes because I don't want anyone to think I've just shit myself and not bothered to change my underwear! I don't even bother with the house anymore because why waste Fabreeze? It's hard to come by here and expensive to boot. (Yeah, don't ask where I live that Fabreeze is expensive. Just trust me, it is.)

[quiito500]

500 mob bitches fuck all ya hatein biitches

[quiito500]

500 mob bitches fuck all ya hatein biitches

[quiito500]

who ever reads this i s a biitch asz hoe

[Lily Winthrop]

That's gross, I couldn't agree with you more. Belching really grosses me out too.