DRESSING UP FIDO

I love animals. My husband and I own four cats who think they are the center of the universe because we haven't had the heart to tell them otherwise. I've saved lost dogs from getting hit by cars, found homeless pets loving families and nursed wounded birds back to health.

But enough is enough. Loving animals is a noble, even healthy trait. But dressing up your animals and giving them cosmetic implants is beyond logic, reason and is downright weird.

The dog clothing industry just keeps growing, as shown by glamourdog.com, which claims to outfit "your babies with the finest in doggie fashion-wear clothing. Whether your dog needs lounge wear or formal wear, we have the perfect clothing to complete your best friend's wardrobe."

The last time I checked, no dog "needs" lounge wear nor formal wear. A dog can lounge pretty effectively wearing nothing at all. Ask any dog, and they'll probably tell you clothes usually just get in the way of a good ass-licking.

I have also never been invited to a party where canines were expected to wear black tie. Even if there were such a thing, I doubt other dogs would be offended if one of the guests showed up wearing a knock-off Armani instead of an original.

But it doesn't stop there. There's dog boots, bathrobes, rain coats, boas, costumes and even doggie bridal wear. Shockingly, a white wedding dress for your poodle would set you back about $130 - about $50 shy of what I paid for my full-sized variety. A classic, two-piece tuxedo for the wet-nosed groom runs about $120.

Don't think that dogs have the corner on high fashion, though. There's also cat clothing, sold at places such as spoiledrottenkitties.com, where you can also find angel, devil, pirate and princess costumes for your kitties, just in time for Halloween. The only problem is, if your cats are anything like mine, as soon as I put the costume on them, they would find a way to remove it and then consequently shred it. They would also begin plotting my death.

People who dress up their animals argue that clothes help their pet feel loved and cared for and improves their self-esteem. But I have direct evidence from a friend of mine that proves otherwise.

My friend's wife, a respected veterinarian, used to dress up their Golden Retriever in a clown costume during Halloween. One year, as she pulled the costume out of the closet, the dog saw it and began whimpering and backing away - terrified of the public humiliation that was to come. They never made him wear the costume again - fearing a dog psychiatrist bill would be in their future.

Still, if people stopped at just dressing up their pets, I may not be so worried. But that's just the beginning. Now, people are buying their animals testicular implants, called "neuticles." The sales pitch on neuticles.com says it allows "your pet to retain his natural look, self-esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering."

Their slogan: "With Neuticles - It's like nothing ever changed!"

You can select from various sizes, as well as from "two firmness levels," when choosing neuticles for your dog, cat, horse or bull. If your dog really has self-esteem problems, you can always get them a bigger size or better firmness level.

To spread the love to the humans in your household, you can also choose from a selection of Neuticle T-Shirts, ballcaps, necklaces and keyrings, each crafted from an actual Neuticle or bearing the Neuticles name. Ewwww. Try explaining that at a formal gathering.

Personally, I think we should stop worrying about our pets' self-esteem and start thinking about our own. People who buy this stuff look a lot more ridiculous than the poor animals who have to wear them. And, unlike the animals, they have a choice.

Comments

[Leesa]

I agree. I have alot of pets too and the most I've ever done was put antlers on the dog. And that was just for a photo op. My husbands a vet, and I used to work with him--"Neuticles" would have been really popular when I was working, actually had people ask for them. I posted about Neuticles the other day too. My cats? I can't even get them to wear collars :)

[Neil]

The only pet I ever had was Arnie, the goldfish. But when I tried to dress him in the cutest little 1940's style "Zoot suit" imaginable, he just refused to wear it. So, I flushed him down the toilet, never to buy another pet again.

[Megan]

CB, do I really even need to comment on this one? I already told you that I will officially stop being your friend when you take your cats to Glamour Shots at the mall and make photo Christmas cards to send out. Yes, I know you say you would never do something like that. That, you aren't that much of a crazy cat lady. But, you do refer to you and your husband as ma and pa when talking to the cats. It is a slippery slope my friend. A slippery slope. I don't even think animals should be allowed indoors. I mean they are ANIMALS for crying out loud!

[Kallisti]

But if you get your dog "Neuticals" won't he just lick himself compulsively trying to "return" feeling to his artificial balls?

Dogs do that enough already.

[sandra]

I thought that calf implants on humans were the most ridiculous thing I'd heard of...but the pseudo doggie testicles definitely topped it.