WHY DOGS SHOULDN'T DRIVE

Let’s face it, there are a lot of stupid people in this world. But nowhere is there such a big concentration of dumb asses as there are on the freeway.

I only commute about 10 miles to work each day, and won’t even have that far to go once I change jobs next week.

Yet in those 10 miles I see a bunch of people that not only should be wearing helmets, but wearing helmets with little propellers on them because they are so clueless.

Today I got behind a woman in the slow lane who was going just slightly faster than I can walk in high heels. As I pulled over to the next lane to pass her I glanced over and noticed that two poodles were in her lap as she drove. One of the poodles had its paws on the steering wheel.

I have four cats, which pretty much defines me as a crazy cat lady. But I recognize that their combined IQ is still not enough to operate heavy machinery. Animals (and people, for that matter) who lick their butts just shouldn’t be allowed to drive. If you believe the unwritten rule that cats are smarter than dogs – or at least poodles, this woman’s decision to have her poodles drive seems excessively stupid to me. Unless the poodles are helping HER drive, which makes more sense considering I doubt this lady could find her ass without help. I know she couldn’t find anything on the car because those furry, yappy bastards were blocking her ability to reach absolutely everything, including the accelerator.

The next stupid person I encountered was a man in a pickup truck who had a cell phone in one hand, and a large coffee in the other. All I can think of is either he was steering with his knees or his penis. If it is the latter, and he is reading this, please call me.

The worst part is that he was whipping in and out of traffic and cutting people off without so much as a glance. I believe he thought because he was in a truck, he was invincible, if not God-like. When he was forced to slam on his brakes because he was going so fast he nearly rear-ended another motorist, he spilled his hot coffee and went into a tirade, cursing out all the cars around him who were obviously at fault for bringing him back to reality. If the coffee spilled where I think it spilled, he will never be able to drive without hands again.

There are other driving faux pas I encounter almost every day. The little old lady who can’t see over the steering wheel, for instance; the guy who won’t turn off his damn blinker; the motorist who rides his breaks because he can’t seem to grasp the principal of taking his foot off the accelerator to slow down.

There’s the woman who puts on make-up while driving and gives the rest of us women a bad name; the guy who reads the paper while driving. There’s the asshole who speeds up every time you try to pass, and slows down when you get back behind him. And the tailgater who thinks that getting there two minutes earlier is worth the risk of killing himself or someone else.

There are so many dumb fucks on the road, I wonder if even the shortest commute is safe anymore. If it gets any worse, I may just give up driving all together in order to save my sanity. I’d  take the bus, except I don’t really like being that close to humanity and being a slave to someone elses schedule. I’d ride a bike to work, but I’m lazy and don’t want to be all sweaty once I get there. I guess my only option is to have my cats learn how to drive from the poodles. Of course, they’ll have to stop licking their butts first.

Comments

[Leesa]

I'm from Dallas so I do remember how awful the traffic was, I'm sure glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.
I agree about humanity these days, and if you're a crazy cat lady then I must be completely nuts!!

[Wombat and Midwest]

Cats don't need to drive; they were designed to be chauffeured, don't you know.

You have two cats - which doesn't qualify you for mad cat-womanhood, btw - so you know that they only exert themselves when ab-so-lute-ly necessary.

Such as when cleaning their butt; coz no-one else will do it.

Purr.

Wombat

[Helena]

A confession: Sometimes I put on makeup. But only at the stoplight! My personal theory is that trying to do two things at once only means that they will both turn out half-assed. As evidenced by my makeup job ;)

[Mike Barash]

Silver lining to LA traffic - all those assholes have to conform to the restrictions imposed by bumper to bumper traffic (well, sometimes they just start shooting).

Great post - maybe we should get into Marin County mountain bikers or SF bike messengers next... Critical Mass chafes me.

[7d]

thank you for making me laugh on a damn near daily basis...

i drive 34 miles each day on the 101/134 through the middle of the sfv in la twice a day 5 days a week... having done this for 7 months i'm finally moving in 2 weeks to the other side of work and far, far closer...

at least i have other folk to gawk at during my commute... a few friends & family have had the (dis)pleasure of being on the phone with me while driving and hearing my ever so vocal ranting... before you point and scream at me like a human in invasion of the body snatchers, i've got a bluetooth headset and all of the important people i talk to have voice commands... so at no point are my hands, or penis, off of the wheel...

thanks again for the chuckle, congrats on the new (old) job and i look forward to your next post...