WHEN EXPECTATIONS ARE JUST TOO HIGH

Monday … the day of promise.

• The day I promise myself I will go to the gym first thing in the morning.
• The day I promise I’ll finally get that big project done at work, or at least START it.
• The day I promise I won’t eat the ENTIRE value menu at Taco Bell in a quest to see just how MANY items will make me FULL.
• The day I promise not to look bored when people tell me things about their weekend I really don’t care about.
• The day I promise not to cruise other people’s blogs or post to my own blog until AFTER work.
• The day I promise not to spend all my money on tequila and porn.
• The day I promise not to yell “FUCK” randomly in my cube, causing the religious freaks in the office to pray for me.
• The day I promise not to bitch about the fact I have to wear pants in public.
• The day I promise to think of vegetables as more than just garnish for my Bloody Mary.
• The day I promise not to figure out exactly how many seconds there are until the weekend.

Monday … the day of disappointment.

• I slept in and didn’t go to the gym because I drank too much tequila the night before.
• I didn’t get anything started or finished at work, except the world’s longest contiguous paperclip chain.
• Eight. The magic number is eight value items at Taco Bell to make me full.
• I don’t care that you saw your grandmother Saturday and she smells funny. EVERYONE’S grandmother smells funny. That’s what happens when you mix Bengay and don’t change your Depends.
• It is 1:30 p.m. and I’m posting. GET IT? I’ve also posted on 12 other blogs.
• But what is life without tequila and porn? MEANINGLESS I TELL YOU!
• I think I’m officially on the company “prayer chain.”
• Pants suck. My gut needs to BREATHE damnit! I’m going to have a red line across my belly button. Let my blubber FREE!
• Three green olives soaked in vodka = a vitamin.
• 21 million seconds, give or take.

Comments

[Neil]

Better than me. At least you went a couple of hours without disappointing yourself.

[Patrick]

Ah, Monday, thy name is lube job and chicken burrito. Underachievement, thou art personafied by the Monday.

Also, you should always yell FUCK! in your cubicle, especially if it alarms the faithful.

[Helena]

WAY better than me.

At least you ASPIRE to these things. My lofty Monday goals end after "Get out of bed."