THE PRICE I HAVE TO PAY

It seems that in the last week I've had more than my share of bad customer service.

What most of retail and service America fail to understand about customers like me is that I would GLADLY pay more if you just treated me better and saved me some time and grief.

Instead, it seems that companies want to charge me more while still sucking out the last ounce of patience left in my brain. They've made it a contest as to who can heap the most inconvenience on my shoulders while treating me like a piece of dung they can't quite scrape off their shoe.

It started with one of my credit card companies. Credit Card companies are, without a doubt, the blue ribbon, first-place, grand-prize champ for making consumer's lives a living hell. They will lose payments, take a year to process your payment, pile fees on your card for things that you would normally consider to be free - like breathing air, and raise your interest rate without notice.

I recently got a consolidation loan and paid off most of my credit cards. This particular credit card company never received the check I sent them to pay off the account. I got an e-mail notice that because they didn't receive my payment, I would be charged a $30 late fee, a $30 no payment fee, and a $30 fee to process the fees.

When I called to talk to them about it - which cost another fee - they told me that often times payments may be processed to the wrong account. Apparently the fact this happens often has not prompted them to audit the way they do the processing. Instead, they keep paying some Monkey Boy in the back room to just apply payments willy nilly to whatever account he wants to.

Of course, Monkey Boy will not be called on to fix the problem. The time and anguish it will take to rectify the situation will have to be expended by me - after all, I mailed in the payment on time, with the right address, with all the "i's" dotted and the "t's" crossed. OF COURSE it is my responsibility to find out where Monkey Boy put the envelope.

I have to call my bank - the red-ribbon, second-prize winner for inconvenience and shitty customer service - to request a copy of the canceled check. That costs me about 12 more fees totaling roughly $8,219.67. I then have to get a copy of the canceled check notarized - another fee - and priority mail it to the credit card company, where Monkey Boy will no doubt make it into a paper hat he can wear.

A week later, I notice that the missing payment has finally been applied to my account. The fees have not been reversed, however. I call the credit company again and get to speak to Monkey Boy's twin brother, who tells me they got the check late, so the fees still apply.

"But I sent the check on time - two weeks before it was due," I replied.

"No you didn't," argues Monkey Boy #2.

"Yes I did ... I even called you guys when you lost it, filed a complaint, and sent you a copy of the canceled check - which was, by the way, canceled before the due date on the account."

"No you didn't."

"But you charged me a fee to process the canceled check and find the missing payment."

"No we didn't."

Everything I say garners the same imbecile reply in a bored voice that does nothing to hide the fact that he thinks I'm the world's most stupid woman who is obviously a derelict and should go to prison because I mailed in a payment late - which I didn't. For this, I am charged another fee.

I finally give up and cancel the credit card. I realized I can't fight these kinds of people with logic and common sense. Besides, by the time I would have gotten them to reverse the fees they already charged me, I would be charged an additional $2,000 in fees.

I decide instead to vent some of my frustrations at the gym. But as I check in at the front desk, they tell me I have been deleted from the system and am no longer a member, despite the fact I made arrangements to renew my membership months ago.

I asked to speak to someone who could  help fix the problem, but apparently only one guy in the entire company can help me, and he's only there two hours a day. Of course, I wasn't there during his two-hour work schedule. I asked for them to have him call me, and was told I would need to come back in person, as he doesn't usually get his messages and there may be paperwork to fill out. When I complained loudly I should not have to inconvenience myself and take time off work to come back because of their mistake I was regarded with snotty looks and told I shouldn't raise my voice. So instead of raising my voice, I yelled - telling them that if they valued me as a customer at all, they would fix this problem and stop being rude and incompetent. I think I am now flagged in the computer system as "difficult" and perhaps "violent."

I guess I'm expecting too much. Maybe instead of expecting competent service, I should just resign myself to being treated like dirt and milked for every dollar I have.

From now on, I'm just going to cut out the middle man and flush my money down the toilet while I stab myself with a sharp object. I don't think there's a fee for that.