PASS THE DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER, PLEASE

I'm not one of those women who "eat like a bird."

In fact, I hold deep-seated hatred for those peckish, skeletal women who do. I simply don't understand it, as my love affair with food is well-documented by my squishy Pillsbury Doughboy belly.

I believe that if we weren't meant to eat and enjoy food, God wouldn't have created meat. He also wouldn't allowed great wonders such as Oreos and Cheetos to be invented.

As far as eating goes, I could probably compete on the Olympic level. I have gone entire weeks without eating anything that wasn't deep fried. I've been known to eat five times the recommended serving size and still be hungry. I'm a firm believer in the seven-meal-a-day plan as long as all of those meals are at least four courses long and include cheese cake.

My husband has sometimes sat in awe of my eating abilities, and has been known on occasion to have to protect his own food from my ravenous ways. I once, in a blood-sugar induced rage, almost stabbed him with my fork when he tried to foil my attempt to steal some sautéed mushrooms off his plate.

But I don't blame others for my overeating or for my poor eating choices. I don't think corporate America made me do it, nor do I think I ate that entire carton of Ben and Jerry's "Cherry Garcia" for breakfast out of ignorance. I knew it was the wrong thing to do. But it just felt so right!

That's why I think that increased regulations for restaurants to tell us what is in our food, and how bad it is for us, are just plain silly, not to mention a waste of time. Some say it is the restaurant's responsibility to let us know how fattening the food they are making us really is. But I think it's just another way for all of us squishy-bellied over-eaters to defer the guilt of what we are doing to our bodies and put it on someone else.

I doubt that the 300-pound guy who orders two Big Macs and a jumbo fry with a shake at lunch is going to change his ways and order a small side salad once he reads how many calories and grams of fat are in his usual meal.

In fact, I doubt the guy will even look at the calorie count at all. We know how bad eating fast food is for us . . . we don't need a piece of paper to tell us that. We know that anything with double bacon and cheese is going to make our arteries clog. But what a way to go!

No one, no matter how delusional they might be, thinks that one of the new pastrami double cheeseburgers offered up at Carl's Jr., can be good for you - not even the restaurant. One journalist even went so far as saying the new Carl's Jr. burger made the Big Mac look like a carrot salad. But that doesn't take away from the fact that all that grease and meat and fat is just plain good.

And as much as I've argued passionately that curly fries constitutes eating your vegetables, I don't think anyone believes that a super-sized fry takes the place of an extra-big helping of brussel sprouts or broccoli.

So here's my idea. Instead of wasting all that money printing out special menu supplements detailing the grams of protein and fat we are ingesting, why not put that money in research on how to make healthy food taste better?

We could do studies on how to make fruit taste like chocolate, or water taste like beer. We can make lettuce taste like barbecued ribs, and whole grain breads taste like pizza. Tofu could even be reconfigured to taste like potato chips!

After all, we are Americans! We have sent men to the moon, invented reality TV and elected George W. Bush twice. We can do the impossible! Sure, it may take years to accomplish, but think about what a wonderful world it would be, when health food tastes as good as junk food.

And it's much more probable than me never wolfing down another carton of Ben and Jerry's again.

Comments

[Helena]

Will you please run for an office of some kind?

This entry confirms, again, why you are a woman after my own heart.

Yesterday I "indulged" in a California burger for lunch, insisting to myself that it was on the healthy-ish side because of the avocados. I also said I was only going to eat half, and eat the other half for dinner.

The road to hell is paved with California burgers.

[Leesa]

I love it! Well said.

[AJ]

"water taste like beer", huh?

Jesus Christ, where are you when we need you? Work a miracle for us, would ya? (John 2:1-11)

Mmmm, Filet-O-Fishes and Loaves.

[Igmar Fillipé]

Wait, you mean to tell me that an order of fries doesn't equal a serving of vegetables? What about ketchup? It's made from tomatoes!

[Jewels]

Once again you have said everything that I am thinking.

I believe the road to hell is paved with Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk and Krispy Kreme Donuts! I love being on that road :-)

[Groonk]

Water that tastes of beer?

Strawberries that smack of chocolate?

Cookiebitch, you are my hero!