WHEN FRIENDS GO BAD

It is a sad thing when a good friend goes bad.

A colleague at work had to have lunch with such a friend today, and was dreading it. She has shared many good memories with this friend - some which involve shots and puking. They have known each other since Junior High, been friends since High School.

But today, other than those good memories, they have nothing in common. The friend is now a Born Again Christian and channels God by telling others - including my colleague - how they need to live their lives to please the Big Guy. Her change in religious status has also caused selective amnesia, meaning that those memories involving shots and puking are hazy, and can usually be blamed on someone else, namely my colleague's bad influence, and/or the devil.

To make matters worse, she brought vacation photos to show my colleague during lunch. She apparently doesn't understand that anyone who makes you watch vacation or family videos, or sort through photos of such events, no longer qualifies as a "friend," but instead is re-classified as "torturous bitch from hell." I don't look at my own damn vacation photos, why would I want to look at yours?

I've had similar friends - one who after losing a bunch of weight by eating only bark and berries, now yells at anyone who eats anything with flavor and tells them they're fat and going to die. I don't talk to her anymore, opting to keep my relationship with French fries over keeping my relationship with her. The French fries are much more satisfying. And although I'm fat, I have not yet died.

Another friend, after having children, could no longer talk about anything else. She even reverted to a kind of baby-talk, bragging about her son's "poo poo" and his genius ability to mash carrots into his hair. When she described to me in detail what her placenta looked like at child birth, I knew it was time to part ways. Not only do I not need to know that information, but there's no way I can compete, having no relevant experience with placentas I wish to share.

Divorcing these kinds of friends is never easy. By refusing a future relationship, it almost feels like you are disrespecting the past. But all those good memories won't shrivel up and die if you refuse to look at any more videos of little Mikey sucking on his "binky." Instead, I find that you honor those memories more because they aren't tarnished by endless lectures about how eating a Big Mac will make your heart stop, or about how you are going to Hell if you don't put that beer down and start repenting NOW.

It is amazing, really, when you ARE able to keep friendships over a long period of time. People change so much, move so often, get so busy in their everyday lives, it is a wonder that any of us can keep up with each other, let alone enjoy each other. We meet other people, have new experiences, all of which changes us. Yet I'm still lucky to have friends that have managed to stick with me over the years while remaining a low life sinner, eating fast food, drinking beer, and keeping their placenta private, where it belongs.

Those friends have really transcended friendship all together and have become "family." They're the ones who have accepted me over the years despite MY changes, and have the unique perspective of seeing where I've come from and appreciating the journey I took to get to where I am now.

To those friends, thank you. You are a gift. And to repay you for that gift, you don't have to look at my vacation movies this year. I still have a couple of photos I'd like you to see though ...

Comments

[Cobi]

Eeeewwww. Someone told you about thier placenta? That's just gross. I'm glad I was unconscious when my kids were born.....

[a true friend]

A true friend would listen to you about your placenta. Grow up.