THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR BOSS

There is a certain amount of distance that bosses need to put between themselves and their employees - a certain amount of information a supervisor needs to keep private if they are to continue to garner respect.

Once and awhile, however, this information manages to leak out somehow ... like that little bit of pee that dribbles into your underwear when you really have to go, and are still 15 miles from the nearest rest stop.

Ooops ... maybe that was too much information. Although it does prove my point.

For example, I once had a female boss who came into the bathroom after me one day, went into the stall next to me, and took the foulest shit I have ever smelled in my life. Still, I may have been able to overlook - or oversmell, if you will - the incident if it wasn't that it wasn't just one of my senses being assaulted. The stinky mess was also accompanied by loud, medieval grunts, punctuated by a couple "OH MY GOD"s and at least one "PHEW!"

I came close to either calling an ambulance or asking her if she needed the jaws of life. But I was too embarrassed to do either. I even tried to convince myself it wasn't her ... but the shoes, and the fact she had a very distinct voice - or in this case groan - gave her away.

From that moment on, I had a hard time looking her in the eye or taking her seriously. It wasn't that I didn't think she crapped like the rest of us ... or that a woman of her stature had somehow achieved a higher plane of existence in which her shit didn't stink. It was merely that knowing FIRST HAND that she took big, smelly, noisy dumps blew any image of superiority I had of her.

This has happened to friends of mine as well. One saw her macho boss taking a square dancing class at the community center. When you see someone you respect mosey left and promenade right while wearing a purple and orange fringed cowboy hat, you have a hard time taking them seriously anymore.

Still another friend found out that her boss's nipples had been pierced when she saw barbells straining against his cotton shirt one day. Not only did it make her want to grab her own nipples in self defense, she was continually repulsed by the thought that other things may be pierced as well.

One time, at one of my boss's house where they were hosting a Christmas party, I was looking for an extra roll of toilet paper and accidentally stumbled across a marital aids drawer that not only made me jealous, but a little curious. However, I soon learned that no amount of alcohol could wash away the image I had of him and his wife using these toys. I also found myself with an unhealthy obsession over the question of which one wore the studded dog collar, and which one used the whip.

But it isn't just the employee who is changed by these experiences.

Another friend, who is a boss, was mortified one day at a lingerie shop when she was rifling through a bin of crotchless panties and looked up to see one of her male underlings staring at her. From that day forward, she would only wear grannie panties to work.

There are just certain things that don't mix. Oil and water. Virginity and Paris Hilton. Crotchless panties and your boss.

That's why, today, I try to keep my supervisors at a well respected arms length. I don't open drawers I shouldn't anymore, and I try to use the bathroom furthest away from my supervisor's office. It just bodes better for my workplace sanity, as well as my career path.

Besides, I don't need them looking in my drawers either. My secrets are much more interesting.