THE CAMERA DOESN'T LIE

I don't do well with women when they are in groups. I do even worse when you put a group of women anywhere near a camera.

Don't get me wrong, I love women. Not in a tonguing kind of way, mind you, although after a particularly bad breakup I did listen to a lot of Melissa Ethridge in an effort to convert. But I love being a woman. I love women's strength, compassion, and ability to put on make-up while driving.

I have a problem, however, with any woman who is getting their picture taken. A camera seems to bring out every insecurity a woman has had brewing since they were in the womb. Throw in another woman, and the camera also represents a competition so fierce it makes the Super Bowl look like a game of Tiddly Winks.

I was asked to take a picture of a group of women at work the other day, who just happen to all be in the same department. I took three shots, asking them to strike different poses so I could choose the best.

When they all followed me into the office after the photo shoot in anticipation of me downloading the images off my digital camera, warning bells went off. I knew, in my womanly heart, that whatever pictures I took they would hate. Yet I still let them look on as I opened each photo on my desktop.

The sound was intense. A series of shrill squeaks and "oh my gawwwwddds" that manage to vibrate the base of your spine.

"I'm fat!"

"Look at my hair - it's all frizzy!"

"But I'm slouching ... I don't want people to think I'm a sloucher."

I picked what I thought was the best photo ... everyone was smiling, and everyone had their eyes open. There were no boogers, no embarrassing mucus anywhere.

"You can't POSSIBLY use that one!" one of them screamed. "I have no cheekbones in that one! I look pudgy!"

"YOU!" another screamed. "Look at me! I have no neck!"

Others called out for me to retake the photo - maybe using some better lighting where they wouldn't look so fat, ugly and frizzy-haired. Still one woman blamed the camera - saying it must be malfunctioning somehow, because she NEVER slouches.

I heard something snap in my brain, and screamed for them to all get the hell out of my office.

It is not my fault if you don't have cheekbones, I told them. There is no lens on the camera that can keep you from slouching. If your hair is frizzy, use more conditioner. When I get my picture taken, and notice that my ass is huge in the photo, I don't blame the photographer ... I blame myself, and possibly Ben and Jerry.

Women are so damn concerned all the time on how other people will think of them based on how they LOOK. But you don't see a group of professional men complaining they should have worn the teal because it makes them look less hippy.

You can argue that it is society who puts the pressure on women to look a certain way, and that women who don't look good won't go so far in business. But if we can't take some of the pressure off ourselves, things will never change. What we do and how we act and what we accomplish should be more important than any glamor shot.