THE HOLY GRAIL OF BED SHEETS

It was 4 a.m. when my husband decided he had had enough.

“GOD DAMNIT!” he roared, as he flopped around in the bed like a freshly-caught bass in the bottom of a boat. “THAT’S IT … I CAN’T SLEEP ON THESE SHEETS ANYMORE! WE’VE GOT TO BUY NEW SHEETS.”

My husband has a festering hatred for something he calls “fuzz balls” that seem to develop on all of our sheets after two or three washings. In a way, it is like the fairy tale about the princess and the pea. You could hide one itsy bitsy fuzz ball on a California King sized sheet, and my husband would find it.

So these sheets, which have about 578,000 fuzz-balls, drive him absolutely wiggy.

We’ve tried to find sheets that don’t develop fuzz-balls. It’s been my quest since we’ve been married actually. It’s not so much as because I love him, which I do. It’s mostly because I want to sleep until 5.

We asked for sheets for our wedding, and got a nice set from his sister. In a matter of DAYS, the first fuzz-ball appeared. And the flopping started.

I went to J.C. Penneys and bought a new set of sheets for $100. They were 400 thread count, ultra everything. It took a whole month, but once the fuzz balls started, they multiplied like Tribbles.

My mom spent a mint on another set of sheets … FUZZ.

We bought yet another set … this one said it was “DURABLE” and had “OPTIMUM COMFORT.” Then it happened. Everywhere a FUZZ FUZZ. There remains only one small square that is fuzz-free. I sometimes curl up in the fetal position and rub my cheek against it, remembering the bliss of when we first brought them home.

I don’t know if our bed is cursed with fuzz fairies. I don’t know if our body produces fuzz balls while we’re sleeping. I don’t know if my dryer is to blame, or maybe my fabric softener. I’ve tried varying temperatures, detergents, spin cycles. I’ve tried EVERYTHING, yet we are still plagued by them.

My husband has actually tried SHAVING the fuzz off our sheets as well. But the defiant little bastards clung stubbornly to the sheets, mocking him. I thought I could hear them laughing. I think they may be aliens. Little, tiny, fuzzy aliens that came back on the space shuttle and can not be destroyed.

Today, I went to Linens ‘N Things and begged the sales woman to show me sheets that were fuzz-ball proof. Price was no object, I said. As long as they repelled aliens, and fuzz fairies, I added.

The woman looked at me with pity … and a little fear. Then she took me into a secret room, and unlocked a secret cupboard where they keep the really good sheets they don’t want normal people to know about. They have to break you first, she explained. Only then can you be worthy. Only then can you truly appreciate a fuzz-free sleep.

They are a thing of beauty. Pristine, soft, luxurious and smooth as a newborn's tushy. A beautiful white aura seems to surround them, and if I listen closely, I think I can hear angels singing when I touch them. My husband and I took turns spooning with them tonight. We are considering a three-some later.

I want to think our horror is over, now. But I can’t help but think it is just a matter of time before we are tested again.

It is our curse. Our fuzzy little curse.

Comments

[scott Freutel]

Go for linen. Pure linen. No fuzzballs. The thing about the finer cotton sheets, &c., those 600-thread-count dealies, is that you get...LOTS of very very tiny fuzzballs that merge into fewer bigger fuzzballs.

If the linen's too pricey, get a new hubby who didn't take the Princess & The Pea so crossgenderingly personal.

[Brian]

I am too like your husband. I choose to spend a bit more on a new 400 count sheet set only to be attacked by the Fuzz.... I never had this problem with my cheap sheets that I got in the BED IN A BAG system. So I will buy the cheaper sheets from now on.....

[juneyor]

why not just by a fabric shaver. that way whenever you get fuzz balls just shave them off and you wont have to buy so many sheets.

[ex bed bath and beyond girl]

Stop using fabric softener on your sheets. They will stay soft with regular washing and drying. You could also try to look for sheets that use really long cotton fibers. But really, stop using the fabric softener.

[OblibAliple]

Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
no dog exchanges bones with another.
-- Adam Smith

[marsha]

my mom says if you buy sheets that say precale (sp) and they never ball up as I call it. She is right. I was so mad when paying an outrageous price for sheets and after the first wash they ball up. I don't think it has anything to do with fabric softener but I'll try that too. I saw precale sheets at WalMart today. worth a try to het your hubby happy. ha

[quilt]

I'm really glad that you've set up your own blog and have actually posted your thoughts. I like your work and feel I can relate to what you've done. Lots of folks can't even imagine having such talent. I hope that you know how lucky you are. :) Good luck to you in all your aspirings. :)

[Renee]

Don't put your sheets in the dryer. Dryers use frictibg to dry And the friction is what causes pilling. Only air dry your sheets in the sun. It also makes your sheets nice and crisp and will kill any dust mites.

[craftmatic]

Thank you for sharing such an ordeal. This will serve as an inspiration to others who are having same problem as you. I suggest you try to use a different fabric.

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I absolutely agree with Renee, sheets and dryers dont get along that well, excellent post, a lot of us already suffered that experience.

[Fuzzy]

OMG did I laugh when reading your article. Not just because it was well written and comical but because I could relate to this scenario completely. I have had this fuzz on sheet problem for a long time now. My husband and I have spent wayyyyy too much money trying to find the best sheets that don't fuzz. One lot was actually guaranteed and we took on the guarantee and took them back to the store after a few washes to receive another set. Guess what, the same thing happened, it wasn't worth going back again. We have tried from 400 to 1000 threat count sheets and to no avail. I've also tried shaving them and it worked only slightly. I guess I'll just have to continue my search....

[bed mattresses]

I think the bed is great and very comforting to sleep with. Maybe your husband just wanted to try some other color and style to your bed.

[Kas Bed Linen]

I really love have all the stuff of this blogs. Especially yellow Bed linen looks gorgeous.

[Vickie Heffner]

I hate fuzz balls also.I sneak and get my sons hair trimers.I works great, but you have to keep at it.

[melanie]

maybe try BAMBOO sheets.
i have "so much" neurological (ms) pain that i feel "Every Single Little Ball" as it drives into my painful skin.
so far bamboo is the only type i've had any success with; but am sure there are others, just not been lucky to find.

[decush]

While bamboo/cotton fabrics are good you can't go past 1200 thread count egyption cottom(warp and weft, a lot of quoted thread counts are only in one direction)...

Annoying to iron but they feel amazing. Then all you need is some designer scatter cushions and a goose down or silk doona.

[Buy cialis]

It is indeed so annoying when one is on a bad bed, or a bed that make you feel uncomfortable.

[Nan]

The Hotel line of 400 or 500 thread count sheets at Sam's club are smooth and soft and have never pilled on me. I do not use fabric softener and I use All Clear and I wash and dry the sheets on permanent press delicate. But I NEVER, EVER wash them with new towels which will instantly coat sheets with FUZZ BALLS!

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[itchy bumps]

Bed means comfort, If you can are not comfort in bed then it is may be due bed bugs in your bed.

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