REACH FOR THE SKY

   Can anyone tell me why mannequins have nipples now?

It seems that lately when I go to the mall, fake nipples are everywhere, jutting through the latest fashions. It's enough to put an eye out.

I don't understand. Are these plastic women breast feeding some plastic children somewhere? What is the need for these nipples, besides making women like me feel bad? And why are they always hard and pointy? Should the mall be turning the air conditioning down? Or are there some hot plastic men somewhere turning them on?

Maybe my problem stems from my mother. Her voice still whispers inside my head, warning me that I better buy a padded bra so that the boys won't know when I'm cold.

When I was younger, I rebelled against my mother and bought non-padded bras anyway. As I got older, however, I found it a pain to make sure my nipples were in the same space on both sides, so I opted for padding again. After all, it's not a good look to have the right one pointing east while the left one is pointing south.

Which brings me to the real reason behind my angst. These damn plastic women with plastic perky nipples just piss me off. Both their nipples point north at all times, without padding. At this point in my life, that will never happen. Each nipple is on its own satellite system now, pointing wherever the hell it wants to independent of the other. Yet they still never point north. Even laying down, they won't point north ... opting instead to point east and west. I've tried using duct tape to solve the problem, but it didn't work. And it was a bitch to get off.

Already they have made these mannequins anatomically impossible - with 40 inch boobs and 8 inch waists. But now they've had to add to the humiliation by adding nipples as a pointed (pun intended) reminder that I'm getting older and saggier in a world that caters to the young and perky.

That's why I have decided to ban all stores with mannequin nipples from now on. I'm making a political statement here people! That erect, perfect, north-pointing nipples have no place in the real world!

Join me won't you? We must make this madness stop! Don't buy another blouse, another sweater, until they make some mannequins that have saggy boobs with independently pointing nipples. And while they're at it, I want some cellulite added to mannequin thighs too! I'm sick of those smooth, line-free thighs in the window! No woman over the age of 18 has thighs that look like that!

If we all ban together, we can change the world ... one plastic tit at at time.

Comments

[Matt]

The mannquin nipple thing was funny. Funny ha ha and funny strange. Not often do things qualify for both funnies, so I think it's a noteworthy accomplishment. Also noteworthy, I think, is that I'm the first person to leave feedback on Cookiebitch's blog. Yay for me.

[Matt]

It's painfully clear when you read my first post that I have no idea how to spell mannequin. I still don't, but I think I'm closer this time.

[Patrick Cant]

I think you spell mannequin "Kim Cattrall" I guess this makes me the second person to post in COOKIEBITCH. Well, damn. I feel extra special. I really do, and I'd like to extend my heartfelt thanks for the opportunity to....

Shoot. just give me a beer.

[Andrea Garcia]

I'm not surprised to see of all the blogs you've posted, Matt and Patrick responded to this one.
As for the nips - it's a sign of the times. They're used now b/c the corp world is finally accepting the fact that nips are not these precious little bumps to be hidden. They are to be enjoyed, relished and welcomed into the world - just as babes welcome them into their mouths.
Or it could be they just had some extra material and needed a spot for it. Imagine what they could do with male mannequins?!

[Patrick]

Actually, I suspect it's because even mannequins know that sex sells, even in this current time of religious anger and shame at anything sexual. Despite the best efforts of of the recently emboldened evangelicals, we're just animals and we want to do it like on the Discovery Channe. Even mannequins. Although that sounds pretty funny, what with all the "clank, clank" going on. By the way, I thought Andrea was dead, or had moved out of state. Welcome back!

[Andrea]

Yes Patrick, I live - I just don't have much time to breathe! Anyway, sex has always sold, if you think about it. Recall the days of "I Love Lucy" when the Ricardo's slept in separate beds. Didn't you always wonder how they hooked up and had little Ricky? In fact, it enticed the viewer to watch more shows (I know this from other people, mind you. Not me, I swear).
Or think about the Rolling Stones in the song, "Start Me Up." Recall: "You make a dead man come..."
Even in the Carol Burnett show - how many sexual inuendos went on there? Shall we even venture into Meathead and his references on "All in the Family?"
So, you see, sex has always been in the picture. Insinuations have always been made, the corp is just finally accepting the public likes it.
Miss ya!

[Helena]

When I got to "East and West" I laughed out loud. Hard.

This should have been addressed long ago. Thank you for being the one to take a stand.