It seems that lately when I go to the mall, fake nipples are everywhere, jutting through the latest fashions. It's enough to put an eye out.
I don't understand. Are these plastic women breast feeding some plastic children somewhere? What is the need for these nipples, besides making women like me feel bad? And why are they always hard and pointy? Should the mall be turning the air conditioning down? Or are there some hot plastic men somewhere turning them on?
Maybe my problem stems from my mother. Her voice still whispers inside my head, warning me that I better buy a padded bra so that the boys won't know when I'm cold.
When I was younger, I rebelled against my mother and bought non-padded bras anyway. As I got older, however, I found it a pain to make sure my nipples were in the same space on both sides, so I opted for padding again. After all, it's not a good look to have the right one pointing east while the left one is pointing south.
Which brings me to the real reason behind my angst. These damn plastic women with plastic perky nipples just piss me off. Both their nipples point north at all times, without padding. At this point in my life, that will never happen. Each nipple is on its own satellite system now, pointing wherever the hell it wants to independent of the other. Yet they still never point north. Even laying down, they won't point north ... opting instead to point east and west. I've tried using duct tape to solve the problem, but it didn't work. And it was a bitch to get off.
Already they have made these mannequins anatomically impossible - with 40 inch boobs and 8 inch waists. But now they've had to add to the humiliation by adding nipples as a pointed (pun intended) reminder that I'm getting older and saggier in a world that caters to the young and perky.
That's why I have decided to ban all stores with mannequin nipples from now on. I'm making a political statement here people! That erect, perfect, north-pointing nipples have no place in the real world!
Join me won't you? We must make this madness stop! Don't buy another blouse, another sweater, until they make some mannequins that have saggy boobs with independently pointing nipples. And while they're at it, I want some cellulite added to mannequin thighs too! I'm sick of those smooth, line-free thighs in the window! No woman over the age of 18 has thighs that look like that!
If we all ban together, we can change the world ... one plastic tit at at time.