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SHOE SPIN-OFF

Shoewhore Sunday just became it's own blog.

Check it out HERE. It is still under construction ... but you get the picture :)

More surprises to come. And you thought I had completely forgotten about you, didn't you?

SHOE WHORE SUNDAY

ONE TREND I CAN'T EMBRACE ... WITH A FEW EXCEPTIONS ...

I have a friend and colleague at work who just returned from almost 3 weeks in Greece and then New York. This trip served as a form of brainwashing - as this faithful high-heel wearer and flat-hater was swayed into considering buying a pair of gladiator sandals.

After all, she saw them everywhere ... not just on the cobblestone streets of Athens. Gladiator sandals are IT this season on fashion runways, and even red carpets. It's almost enough to make you want to buy a chariot, wear a toga and maybe put a wreath in your hair.

But I have to say, while I usually like to explore new trends, I just can't get into this one for two reasons ... 1) I think gladiator sandals are just fugly; and 2) they are incredibly uncomfortable. Seriously ... you might as well just slap a piece of flat cardboard on the bottom of your foot, for as much arch support as you get.

I'd like to point out this gladiator sandal, by Steve Madden, as proof of my claims:

Disgusting, isn't it? Now I usually like Steve Madden, but it this case it looks like the wearer is in some home monitoring system, in which electric coils have been wound around them so if they wander too far away from home they'll get a good jolt. BZZZZZZZ. That will teach you fuckers!

Also, look at the bottom of this sandal ... no traction, no arch, no nothing. For my Canadian friends out there, this reminds me of the bottom of a curling shoe ... the one that you use to slide down the ice with. For you non-Americans, look it up.

However, contrary to popular opinion, I do have an open mind ... especially when it comes to shoes. So I have been able to find a few gladiator-INSPIRED shoes that I think are very stylish, and will keep you looking modern and trendy, but not like you made your shoes yourself in craft class at the mental institution.

What makes a shoe a gladiator-inspired shoe? Mostly it is the T-strap design and strappy appearance.

For example, Carlos Santana has these hot Magnum heels that with their studded T-strap look like they could be worn by a very sexy gladiator - as opposed to a blind one.

Available in this rose gold color, and in old silver, the Magnums also sport a tapered heel and small platform, which makes the 3 plus inch heel very bearable and will keep you from getting flat feet.

For $99 they are also a pretty good deal ... and will look great with both jeans or that little black dress you wear when you want to get laid. You know you have one. I have four.

Also, just to show you that Steve Madden hasn't completely lost his mind, I found these hot and strappy Togga sandals, also for $99.

Available in white, black, cognac and platinum, these shoes will stop any opponent dead in their tracks - guaranteed. And you won't even have to work up a sweat.

For those of us who are vertically challenged, the 5-inch stacked heel (also with a platform) will also make us stand tall, and look great doing it. I love looking down on the little people, instead of being one, don't you?

Finally, since I know some of you are heel-phobic and that's probably why you're considering buying some gladiator sandals, I give you these low-heeled baby's from Franco Sarto.

Available in bronze and silver with metallic studs, they are both stylish and comfortable with their kitten heel and cushioned footbed. The small rise will do wonders to support your arch, as opposed to the super-flat gladiator styles. Available for just $85.

For more gladiator-INSPIRED sandals, check out this link on shoes.com.

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR IN NEW YORK

Hats off to obnoxiously cheerful Kelly Ripa from Regis and Kelly for organizing the first High Heel-A-Thon this week in New York.

"Completing 26.2 miles in running shoes is nothing — try spending a full day running errands, taking the kids to school and shopping, all in 4-inch heels. Our 'High Heel-A-Thon' is a way of showcasing a unique unsung talent for which most women are never recognized," Ripa said.

Thank god this race was just 150 yards and not 26.2 miles, as the heel requirement was a 3 inch minimum. But it was a fun way to recognize both women and the incredible shoes they fill.

This isn't a unique idea, however. Glamour held a stiletto run in Germany not so long ago, and Baltimore hosts a gay pride High Heel Race that is better left to the imagination.

As for me? I have at least 6 pairs of high heels that I think I could win this race in. I can't wait for next year!

SHOEWHORE SUNDAY

I'M OFFICIALLY OFF THE WAGON

It's sad but true ... I've been so busy, I haven't even bought shoes. That's the equivalent of a crack addict going cold turkey, ladies and gentlemen. There was twitching, screaming, vomiting, shaking ... not a pretty sight to say the least. But, finally, I have embraced my addiction once more. For a life without new shoes, is no life at all, I say.

So say hi to my latest fix, these strappy, fun, and unique Luichiny sandals called Marie. The leather straps are comic-book inspired, making you feel like a super hero. I love that the graffiti continues on the 4-inch heel, and how the bold colored sole makes everything "pop!" 

They look fabulous with jean or white capris and a bold colored top. I'm telling you, these shoes have attitude, and you will too when you wear them. Check them out at Zappos for $114 and have them on your porch waiting for you the next day so you don't have to wait long for your shoe high.

If the Marie's are a little hard-core for you, Luichiny also has some other options you may enjoy. These Soleil's for example, are perfect for summer and would look great with that little dress.

The 4-inch heel may seem high, but the sole is padded to add some comfort - and besides - you'll look so sexy, who cares?

Available in this gorgeous fuchsia, yellow, white and black, the toughest choice you'll have is which one? Cost: $100.

And finally, for the thriftier addict, Luichiny has these versatile and flirty Melody sandals for $73. With a 4-1/4 inch heel, and a floral or butterly-themed sole, they are perfect for the season and come in gold, lavendar, and black. Ohh-la-la.

I don't know about you ... but being bad just feels soooooo GOOOOOD. I don't know why I ever stopped!

MY BOOBS ARE SCARED

As you've probably heard me whining and bitching and moaning about ... I'm turning 40 soon.

*SOB*

Turning 40 brings a lot of unhappy news, like the fact you probably can't wear short skirts anymore without looking desperate and pathetic; you can't eat spicy food without a fair amount of pain (and stench) the next day; and you probably can't go to the grocery store anymore without some zit-faced bag boy calling you "ma'am."

But this is not the worst part about turning 40. No, the worst part about turning 40 is no longer being able to postpone the dreaded MAMMOGRAM.

Websters dictionary defines a mammogram as "A process in which your tits are squished into a cold, metal vice and squeezed hard enough to make your nipples explode." It's a noun, by the way.

I have friends who have had mammograms and have told me horror stories. One small-breasted friend said that two technicians actually had to brace their feet against a wall and use their legs as leverage as they used all their strength to pull her boob outward about 3 feet from her chest and place it onto a plate, at which time another plate - possibly with large knives sticking out of it - came crashing down to hold it in place. She claims she stood there, about to black out from the pain, for 8 days until they let her out. In reality, it was about 80 seconds. But time has a tendency to stand still when your boob is being treated like Silly Putty.

I guess I should feel lucky that my breasts are HUGE and I don't have to worry about them having to pull them out to get a good sample. Although I'm told that the downside of that is the more you have, the more they have to squeeze. Lovely. Every time I think about it I impulsively grab my boobs in defense. Which makes for awkward moments during a board meeting, let me tell you.

Still, I figure a mammogram can't be more painful than having breast cancer would be. Mammograms have been shown to lower the risk of dying from breast cancer by 35% in women. And hey ... dying is bad. I'd like to avoid it, if at all possible. Unless I can figure out how to take all my shoes with me. Does Neiman Marcus deliver in the afterlife, I wonder?

So despite all the horror stories, I decided to call for an appointment anyway. I figured maybe the professionals would ease my fears and tell me that it wasn't that bad. After all, according to www.breastcancer.org, "discomfort is minimal." My friends were just pansies, I thought.

This is how my call to the radiology lab went:

Me: "Hi, I'd like to schedule a mammogram."

Mammogram bitch: "Really? Well, okay. It's your body ..."

<Questions about my doctor, insurance, if I have implants, etc.>

MB: "Have you ever had a mammogram before?"

Me: "No, but I've heard they are painful." <NOTE: This is the point in which I was looking for some comfort.>

MB: "Painful? ha ha ... that's like saying Paris Hilton is a slut, dear. Painful doesn't even begin to describe it. You'll pray for a quick death by the time we are done with you."

Me:"Ummm ... WHAT????!!!" <I pee myself a little.> "Why are they so painful?"

MB: "I don't know, dear, maybe its the fact they squeeze it with the same force as a semi truck running over a water balloon. But I do know if men had to have a mammogram, someone would have invented a much less painful way to check for cancer that would probably involve porn and a massage chair."

Me: "Come on, it can't be that bad."

MB:"Oh yah? I had a mammogram three years ago and I thought I was in some sort of prison camp being tortured by terrorists. I told the technician everything - including my social security number. I haven't had one since. I start to shake if I get too close to the machine."

Me: "And you WORK there? Why would you tell people this? Isn't that unprofessional - not to mention just plain MEAN? Why would you want to scare people out of getting a life-saving procedure?"

MB: "Well I don't want to lie to you. Besides, I just work the front desk. Go ahead and get your boobs squeezed if you want to, but don't say I didn't warn you as you scream for mercy."

I still made the appointment for next week, if for no other reason I want to slap this bitch when I see her. I figure if the procedure is REALLY that painful, at least inflicting some pain on her will make me feel better. And if it isn't that painful, the bitch deserves to be knocked around for scaring the shit out of people. Either way, it's a little ray of sunshine for me.

THE MAN, THE LAUGHS, THE WORDS

I've gotten myself in trouble more than a few times on this blog because of my foul mouth.

Fuck people if they can't take a joke.

So I was saddened today to hear that one of my favorite performers of all time - a man who got arrested for swearing - died today.

George Carlin was probably most famous for his "7 words you can't say on TV" routine in the 1970s, which offended one member of a Milwaukee audience so much that they complained to police, who in turn took him to jail for disturbing the peace. Last time I checked, going to see a comedian isn't what people normally seek out as a peaceful experience - or the comedian is probably doing something wrong. Maybe that's why the charge didn't stick. That ... and we have this thing called freedom of speech. Still, George was arrested several times after that incident too, and kept refusing to remove the routine from his act. That's sticking it to those cocksuckers, George.

But the debate didn't stop there. A radio station in New York played George's "7 words" routine - uncensored and unbleeped - on the air, prompting the FCC to rule that while we do have freedom of speech, we don't have it over the airwaves, where innocent children may hear a swear word and become a serial killer. Stupid motherfuckers - always pissing on our fun.

The thing is ... George didn't say these words just to say them. Shit no! He was smarter than that. In fact, George was always the kind of comedian to make you think, to make you question. Foul mouthed bitches like me could learn from him, I say. Often I find myself swearing for the hell of it ... or because a tamer word just doesn't seem to get the point across as effectively. Let's face it, the word "breasts" just don't do my "tits" justice. I mean, have you seen my rack? But when George said "cunt" it somehow seemed intellectual. And that, my friends, is a gift.

As a fan of words, and a fan of humor, I would like to post this transcript of George Carlin's "7 words" routine ... one, because it's funny; two, because it's smart; and three, because the FCC has no control over this blog so they can kiss my ass.

Goodbye, George. And thanks - for the words, the laughs, and the memories.

"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I uh, I think is important. I love..as I say, they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion. Words are all we have really.

"We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. You know, [humming]. And, then we assign a word to a thought, [clicks tongue]. And we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. I like to think, yeah, the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.

"There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions.

"And words, you know the seven don't you? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, wow. Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname. 'Hey, Tits, come here. Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots.' It sounds like a snack doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is, right. But I don't mean the sexist snack, I mean, New Nabisco Tits. The new Cheese Tits, and Corn Tits and Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits Onion Tits, Tater Tits, Yeah. Betcha can't eat just one. That's true I usually switch off . But I mean that word does not belong on the list.

"Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I am not completely insensitive to people's feelings. You know, I can dig why some of those words got on the list...like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are...those are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on there, man. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. They're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker. It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that.

"And we mentioned shit earlier, of course. Two of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go together of course. But forget about that. A little accidental humor there. Piss and Cunt. The reason Piss and Cunt are on the list is that a long time ago certain ladies said 'Those are the two I am not going to say. I don't mind Fuck and Shit, but P and C are out. P and C are out.' Which led to such stupid sentences as 'OK, you fuckers, I am going to tinkle now.'

"And of course the word Fuck. The word Fuck, I don't really...well, this is some more accidental humor, but I don't really want to get into that now. Because I think it takes too long. But I do mean that. I mean, I think the word fuck is an important word. It's the beginning of life, and, yet it's a word we use to hurt one other, quite often. And uh, people much wiser than I have said, I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love than two people trying to kill one other. And I of course agree. I wish I know who said it first, and I agree with that. But I would like to take it a step further. I would like to substitute the word fuck, for the word kill in all those movie cliches we grew up with. 'Okay Sheriff, we're gonna fuck ya now. But we're gonna fuck ya slow.' So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' rap on that word. I hope so.

"Uh, there are two-way words, but those are the seven you can never say on television. Under any circumstances you just can not say them ever, ever ever, not even clinically. You can not weave them in the panel with Doc and Ed and Johnny, I mean it's just impossible, forget those seven, they're out.

"But, there are some two-way words. There are double-meaning words. Remember the ones your giggled at in sixth grade? 'And the cock crowed three times.''Hey, the cock the cock crowed three times. It's in the bible.' There are some Two-way words, like it's okay for Curt Gowdy [mis-spelled in original transcription. -ed.] to say 'Roberto Clemente has two balls on him.' But he can't say, 'I think he hurt his balls on that play Tony, don't you? He's holding them. He must have hurt them by God.' And the other two-way word that goes with that one is prick. It's okay if it happens to your finger. Yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick. No, no."